Kinky Enough?

It can be very difficult to have a connection with someone and feel unworthy of one at the same time. We all seek sexual pleasure and play unique to our own orientations and experiences. I think a huge portion of this question derives from the need for affirmation, positive feedback, sincerity, and a collective growth within yourself rather than the opinion of your partner. I also am happy to make some fun recommendations around playful attire and healthy sexual communication with a partner. Most

Am I Kinky Enough?

importantly, my answer is about you and consent. I’ve been put in many situations where I think my play and or sex partner is trustworthy and my friend, and my big turn off comes from statements that remind me of what my inner critic shouts at me everyday, “You need to be more”! I think the idea of bringing up the exciting and comparative parts from previous sexual experiences is manipulative and emotionally cruel to we who are present in the moment. There is nothing wrong with your partner liking his previous experiences of a wild child in bed; the key information here is previous. Currently, (and holy cow it better be) his present focus is on you and what he enjoys during sex with you. If he’s hinting at playful outfits you may look good in or maybe a position during sex that would be fun, it may be okay as this could be an initiation to healthy sexual communication. Regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation, I think all of us question our sexual integrity and usually the deeply buried cause stems from our need to feel wanted and be accepted. Sexual play is about pleasure. If your partner is willing to bring up sexy outfits, and they are willing to learn your size and purchase them for you, this may be a sign of bonding. At the same time, recommendations such as attire, toys, and positions need to feel organic to you without making you question who you are and what brings you pleasure. Threesome suggestions or pressure make no sense at all to me. This is imperative to further discuss as you and your partner are free to explore what is sexually appetizing to the play moment. If bringing in a third sounds fun to you with without any reservations or threat to your dynamic, then take some time to really talk about what you each want out of this idea. When you broach the topic of adding a third, and the intuition of running strikes you, listen. This part of your question sounds more like a playtime idea, but if it turns into a requirement for them, then this is your time to abort the mission and tell them this is not the right sexual fit for you. I once tried to impress a partner by buying some stupid clunky shoes that I would never wear so he would find me more sexy and kinky at concerts. With each pair I tried on, I felt more jealous of his previous partner, less confident about myself, and extremely lost in second guessing who I was. I was even triggered by the brand of the shoes, knowing she (who was told was better at all kinky sexy things) had those shoes purchased for her at a concert they attended. Insecurities, triggers, hurt, and pain are not emotions that should be a part of our sexual exploration. This is not consent, and it is certainly not pleasurable or fun. Stay true to your voice, your identity, and your needs and wants. Its okay that you don’t fit the expectations of this guy you like. If you want to be more adventurous sexually then you will know when and with who. Otherwise, respect yourself and your identity. You are always your own expert. Don’t let anyone deter you from that.